A Happy Couple’s Secret Weapon

For those who know me, I am a huge Gottman fan. Dr. John Gottman is a researcher first and foremost. He is also the man who studies relationships and has created a model of couple’s therapy that actually works. One of may favorite things to do is grab a book off my shelf, open it to a random page and soak in the knowledge. Today, I grabbed The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, authored by (you guessed it) John Gottman Ph.D.

Friendship is a key ingredient in a happy couple. While it doesn’t prevent a fight, it is a way of hitting the release valve before the fight really gets going. When couples have a strong, reliable friendship, they become masters at sending each other messages and receiving messages from their partner attempting to de-escalate the conflict.

Through his research of thousands of couples over the decades, Dr. Gottman has surmised that happy couples actually have a secret weapon that prevents arguments from taking on a life of their own. The reality is that couples will have conflict. Happy couples know when to alleviate the building tension with their partner by using a “repair attempt. This name refers to any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”

Some partners smile, offer a handshake or even say, “I really love you” as a conflict starts to build. Whatever you and your partner chose, know that successful repair attempts is a main factor in a healthy, lasting relationship.