Are The Odds Stacked Against You?

Ever found yourself in a conflict with your partner that seems to have no solution? You just want different things or you see things from opposite ends of the spectrum. John Gottman’s research reveals “69% of marital problems are perpetual problems”, meaning they’re not going away and may not change. So what do we do? Ditch your partner and find someone who agrees with you most of the time? Nope!

The first thing you have to do is realize that all couples have ongoing differences. Maybe it didn’t seem like a big deal when you first started dating, but after a few years, it is a big deal that your partner likes to buy a new car every 5 years and you want to save for a rainy day. Couples who approach conflict with a “win-win” viewpoint are saying, “You’re important to me.” Couples who fail to recognize perpetual issues in their relationship find themselves in “gridlock”. You know gridlock has taken hold when you feel more frustrated and hurt after discussing the issue, you talk about it all the time with no resolve or you become rather stubborn and refuse to budge on the issue.

Navigating through gridlock lies with understanding the root of the dream behind your partner’s decisions. These dreams are hopes that provide purpose to your life. Talk to your partner about your dream behind the issue. Help them understand and empathize why it is so important to you.

Perpetual problems may never go away, however diffusing the hurt and anger associated with them allows you to talk openly and be more open to compromise. Your goal is not to change your partner, rather get on the same team as your partner.

What Do Women Really Want?

Movies have been made and books have been written about the best way to a woman’s heart. Ask any woman and they won’t tell you they desire a 20 something year old with six pack abs and a big bank account. They won’t say they are looking for a whirlwind romance with Prince Charming (spoiler alert! Prince Charming doesn’t exist).

According to Dr. John Gottman, women are after one thing: trustworthiness. Sound easy enough? Well, trustworthiness isn’t just a one dimensional concept. It’s made up of a few components like reliability, accountability and showing up as you. No games and no hidden agendas. Trustworthiness comes from being genuine, doing what you say you’re going to do and being who you represent yourself to be.

Whether you just met someone or you’ve been together for a while now, women tend to ask themselves, “Is he safe?”, “Will he be there for me?”, “Can I rely on him and depend on him?” The way a woman answers these questions is directly related to if a man represents a symbol of safety. Women don’t need you to climb up a tower to recuse them, but they do need to feel safe.

A Happy Couple’s Secret Weapon

For those who know me, I am a huge Gottman fan. Dr. John Gottman is a researcher first and foremost. He is also the man who studies relationships and has created a model of couple’s therapy that actually works. One of may favorite things to do is grab a book off my shelf, open it to a random page and soak in the knowledge. Today, I grabbed The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, authored by (you guessed it) John Gottman Ph.D.

Friendship is a key ingredient in a happy couple. While it doesn’t prevent a fight, it is a way of hitting the release valve before the fight really gets going. When couples have a strong, reliable friendship, they become masters at sending each other messages and receiving messages from their partner attempting to de-escalate the conflict.

Through his research of thousands of couples over the decades, Dr. Gottman has surmised that happy couples actually have a secret weapon that prevents arguments from taking on a life of their own. The reality is that couples will have conflict. Happy couples know when to alleviate the building tension with their partner by using a “repair attempt. This name refers to any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”

Some partners smile, offer a handshake or even say, “I really love you” as a conflict starts to build. Whatever you and your partner chose, know that successful repair attempts is a main factor in a healthy, lasting relationship.

Got A Complaint?

Most of us have heard, “If you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say anything at all.” Nonsense! You can complain to your partner, your children and even to your boss….so long as you do it with the best chance of having them hear you. I’m not talking about nagging or criticizing; I am talking about letting others know how you feel in a way that elicits a genuine connection.

“I messages” were all the rage some years ago and they haven’t lost their luster. When you start a conversation with “I feel….” you’re inviting someone to listen rather than run for the hills because they feel under attack. Tell someone how you feel about a particular situation or behavior. Rather than describing the person in a negative light, talk about how the situation makes you feel. Follow that up with what you need from that person about the feeling you’re having regarding the situation; how can that person make the situation better.

For example: I’m furious about the dent in the car. I need you to drive more carefully or I am angry the bills were not paid on time. I need to sit down with you and develop a better plan.

When you tell someone what you need you are problem solving rather than complaining. Connecting with your partner on this emotional level is a great way to open the door for further, non-confrontational conversation.

I feel about behavior or situation and I need from you…. Go ahead and tell your partner how they can shine for you!

A Little Off The Top

Often times people come into the office and share they’ve been to therapy in the past, but “it didn’t really work” or “the therapist wasn’t for me.” Which makes perfect sense; different strokes for different folks, right? Finding the right therapist is critical. It sounds silly, but finding the right therapist is like finding the right hairdresser.

I love my hairdresser and will drive an hour to get to her, during the day because she doesn’t offer evening hours and I will pay what she charges without hesitation. Why? Because I trust her to do exactly what is best for me. I can close my eyes and say, “Just a trim please” and I know she will do just that. I found her through a referral of a trusted friend. I met with her and talked about what I wanted and I felt like she heard me. I got a good vibe. And that was many, many years ago. Since then, I’ve referred several of my friends to her and they’ve all been pleased.

Getting a referral from a friend or colleague is a terrific way to get into a therapist’s office. You’re looking for someone who listens and genuinely cares about you and your relationships. You want to get a good feeling after your meeting with them. Find someone who offers a consultation, even if it’s over the phone. Ask questions, share what you’d like to get out of therapy and some of the struggles you’re facing. You’ll get a sense if the person you’re talking to is the right fit for you. And if they are, schedule your first appointment!