Got A Complaint?
Most of us have heard, “If you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say anything at all.” Nonsense! You can complain to your partner, your children and even to your boss….so long as you do it with the best chance of having them hear you. I’m not talking about nagging or criticizing; I am talking about letting others know how you feel in a way that elicits a genuine connection.
“I messages” were all the rage some years ago and they haven’t lost their luster. When you start a conversation with “I feel….” you’re inviting someone to listen rather than run for the hills because they feel under attack. Tell someone how you feel about a particular situation or behavior. Rather than describing the person in a negative light, talk about how the situation makes you feel. Follow that up with what you need from that person about the feeling you’re having regarding the situation; how can that person make the situation better.
For example: I’m furious about the dent in the car. I need you to drive more carefully or I am angry the bills were not paid on time. I need to sit down with you and develop a better plan.
When you tell someone what you need you are problem solving rather than complaining. Connecting with your partner on this emotional level is a great way to open the door for further, non-confrontational conversation.
I feel about behavior or situation and I need from you…. Go ahead and tell your partner how they can shine for you!
Picking Up The Pieces: The Aftermath of a Fight
We’ve all been there….criticizing our partner, saying things we wish we could take back. Man, does it get ugly or does it get ugly?
The point of revisiting the hot topic that sparked a blaze is to increase understanding and empathy. Allow some time for each of you to cool off before diving right into any repair attempt. Nothing good comes from making decisions based on raw emotions. During the repair, if either of become overwhelmed with emotion, postpone the discussion.
Acknowledge your partner and offer an appreciation to them. An example might be, “Thank you for prioritizing our relationship.” Choose who will speak first; that person will be allowed to identify all feelings they experienced during the fight. Stay here! Only name the feelings and don’t justify them. Allow the other person to do the same. When you’re not speaking, you’re listening only.
Take turns acknowledging how each of your perceived the situation. Talk about what you needed from your partner during that time, “I needed you to comfort me.”
Talk about what it was that really pushed you to the point of fighting. Often times these are unresolved or underlying issues from your past. Let your partner know, “I felt unsafe and scared.” Listen to your partner describe all their trigger points as you’d want them to listen when you describe yours.
Share your story of where the trigger originates. Was this a memory from childhood? Paint a verbal picture so your partner can understand your wound now and will be aware of it in the future. Remember that your partner’s recollection of the events is real to them. This is not the place to fix or critique their responses.
Lastly, take responsibility for yourself and apologize for your role in the argument. Your partner wants to hear, “I was overly sensitive to your request and I’m sorry I overreacted.” Now is the time to talk about where the conversation started going downhill so that you have an idea of what to do the next time the feelings and triggers are arise.
– Adapted from What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman, Ph.D.