Picking Up The Pieces: The Aftermath of a Fight

We’ve all been there….criticizing our partner, saying things we wish we could take back. Man, does it get ugly or does it get ugly?

The point of revisiting the hot topic that sparked a blaze is to increase understanding and empathy. Allow some time for each of you to cool off before diving right into any repair attempt. Nothing good comes from making decisions based on raw emotions. During the repair, if either of become overwhelmed with emotion, postpone the discussion.

Acknowledge your partner and offer an appreciation to them. An example might be, “Thank you for prioritizing our relationship.” Choose who will speak first; that person will be allowed to identify all feelings they experienced during the fight. Stay here! Only name the feelings and don’t justify them. Allow the other person to do the same. When you’re not speaking, you’re listening only.

Take turns acknowledging how each of your perceived the situation. Talk about what you needed from your partner during that time, “I needed you to comfort me.”
Talk about what it was that really pushed you to the point of fighting. Often times these are unresolved or underlying issues from your past. Let your partner know, “I felt unsafe and scared.” Listen to your partner describe all their trigger points as you’d want them to listen when you describe yours.

Share your story of where the trigger originates. Was this a memory from childhood? Paint a verbal picture so your partner can understand your wound now and will be aware of it in the future. Remember that your partner’s recollection of the events is real to them. This is not the place to fix or critique their responses.

Lastly, take responsibility for yourself and apologize for your role in the argument. Your partner wants to hear, “I was overly sensitive to your request and I’m sorry I overreacted.” Now is the time to talk about where the conversation started going downhill so that you have an idea of what to do the next time the feelings and triggers are arise.

– Adapted from What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman, Ph.D.