Are The Odds Stacked Against You?
Ever found yourself in a conflict with your partner that seems to have no solution? You just want different things or you see things from opposite ends of the spectrum. John Gottman’s research reveals “69% of marital problems are perpetual problems”, meaning they’re not going away and may not change. So what do we do? Ditch your partner and find someone who agrees with you most of the time? Nope!
The first thing you have to do is realize that all couples have ongoing differences. Maybe it didn’t seem like a big deal when you first started dating, but after a few years, it is a big deal that your partner likes to buy a new car every 5 years and you want to save for a rainy day. Couples who approach conflict with a “win-win” viewpoint are saying, “You’re important to me.” Couples who fail to recognize perpetual issues in their relationship find themselves in “gridlock”. You know gridlock has taken hold when you feel more frustrated and hurt after discussing the issue, you talk about it all the time with no resolve or you become rather stubborn and refuse to budge on the issue.
Navigating through gridlock lies with understanding the root of the dream behind your partner’s decisions. These dreams are hopes that provide purpose to your life. Talk to your partner about your dream behind the issue. Help them understand and empathize why it is so important to you.
Perpetual problems may never go away, however diffusing the hurt and anger associated with them allows you to talk openly and be more open to compromise. Your goal is not to change your partner, rather get on the same team as your partner.
Got A Complaint?
Most of us have heard, “If you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say anything at all.” Nonsense! You can complain to your partner, your children and even to your boss….so long as you do it with the best chance of having them hear you. I’m not talking about nagging or criticizing; I am talking about letting others know how you feel in a way that elicits a genuine connection.
“I messages” were all the rage some years ago and they haven’t lost their luster. When you start a conversation with “I feel….” you’re inviting someone to listen rather than run for the hills because they feel under attack. Tell someone how you feel about a particular situation or behavior. Rather than describing the person in a negative light, talk about how the situation makes you feel. Follow that up with what you need from that person about the feeling you’re having regarding the situation; how can that person make the situation better.
For example: I’m furious about the dent in the car. I need you to drive more carefully or I am angry the bills were not paid on time. I need to sit down with you and develop a better plan.
When you tell someone what you need you are problem solving rather than complaining. Connecting with your partner on this emotional level is a great way to open the door for further, non-confrontational conversation.
I feel about behavior or situation and I need from you…. Go ahead and tell your partner how they can shine for you!
A Little Off The Top
Often times people come into the office and share they’ve been to therapy in the past, but “it didn’t really work” or “the therapist wasn’t for me.” Which makes perfect sense; different strokes for different folks, right? Finding the right therapist is critical. It sounds silly, but finding the right therapist is like finding the right hairdresser.
I love my hairdresser and will drive an hour to get to her, during the day because she doesn’t offer evening hours and I will pay what she charges without hesitation. Why? Because I trust her to do exactly what is best for me. I can close my eyes and say, “Just a trim please” and I know she will do just that. I found her through a referral of a trusted friend. I met with her and talked about what I wanted and I felt like she heard me. I got a good vibe. And that was many, many years ago. Since then, I’ve referred several of my friends to her and they’ve all been pleased.
Getting a referral from a friend or colleague is a terrific way to get into a therapist’s office. You’re looking for someone who listens and genuinely cares about you and your relationships. You want to get a good feeling after your meeting with them. Find someone who offers a consultation, even if it’s over the phone. Ask questions, share what you’d like to get out of therapy and some of the struggles you’re facing. You’ll get a sense if the person you’re talking to is the right fit for you. And if they are, schedule your first appointment!
Exercise Your Way To A Healthy Relationship
We all know to have a healthy heart we need to get up off the couch and move. Walking, running or yoga-ing are a few obvious right answers. For those who are committed to a healthy lifestyle, these tasks become something you look forward to because you understand (and love) the benefits. You not only feel better, but your self-confidence increases and your mood improves.
But what if I told you that exercising in your relationship can do the exact same thing for you? Crazy? I think not. The type of exercises you do in your partnership may take on a different form, however the end results are feeling better, improved mood and self-confidence.
These exercises are commitments you make to each other to focus on the health of your relationship. This may be a daily check-in at the end of the day when you share your biggest success or a deliberate phone call to say you’re thinking about your partner sometime after lunch.
Making the effort for a goodbye kiss in the morning and looking forward to your partner coming home for the next kiss is a super exercise to keep your relationship in great shape. Make the commitment to each other to strengthen and maintain your partnership and you’ll begin to look forward to (and love) the benefits.